BUT WHAT IF......

She spotted him, waiting for her at the hotel lobby. He'd donned a casual fit, a white tee, faded blue jeans and white snickers. Nothing about his outfit would tell you that he was a multi millionaire, that he headed one of the biggest tech firms this side of the Indian Ocean but his aura did. He commanded respect just by his stance. Just by the way he carried himself. God dammit, he looked good. She could tell he smelled good too. He seemed calm, too calm for her liking. Like nothing in the world ever fazed him. Seated, reading something on his phone, something that engogged all of his being. All of his senses. He didn't seem upset that she had kept him waiting, almost looked like he appreciated the 20 - 30 minutes she'd given him to catch up on his reading, something to do with the horrors of big data and artificial intelligence no doubt, he was a man of habit after all. 

She used to hate how he'd get to her, even now, with all the years between them, he still made her nervous. Just his mere presence in a room made her anxiety peek a notch higher. Made her feel all the wrong things in all the right places. And that fact alone made her almost turn and run, run back to her room and forget that he ever reached out. A simple text, "Heyyy, sorry, something came up, can't make it today....catch up some other time?" would have sufficed. It would end the torture that she was under. She would hit send and they would both know that 'some other time' meant never. They'd go back to their blissful existence, pretending that the other didn't exist. What a fine life that was, that had been. Why the hell did he have to reach out?!! After all those years!!! Damn him!!!

.....

He felt her staring at him. Felt her eyes burning on his forehead. Pretending that he was reading was all that he could do lest he crumbled on that sofa holding his weight. He felt a sweat trickle down his neck but he couldn't wipe it off. How would he explain it really, in that chilly Nairobi weather...the AC? I think not. He had been staring at that page ever since he got there but he couldn't tell you one thing that was on it. She was closing in the gap between them. He felt it rather than saw it. That's the kind of effect that she had on him. Ah, who was he kidding, that's the kind of effect that she had. Period. You'd notice her, even in a crowded room, you'd notice her the moment she walked in. It was her aura, her looks were a killer yes, but she had the power to hold your gaze just by her mere existence. Her attitude spoke volumes. Came out in the way she dressed, the way she spoke...she just did her, with no fucks given and the world marveled. That was the reason he'd reached out, he'd always had her number, like always, but when he saw her the night before, looking all perfect in that crimson tight dress, laughing and jesting with her girls, he couldn't contain himself. He'll blame the liquor, liquid courage in all its forms....

"Hey, it's Jesse....saw you today with kina Beth...are you staying at the Hilton too?" 

He knew she was, it was always where she stayed whenever she was in town. How he knew that very small yet trivial detail he'll never say, but he knew, always known. Maybe him bumping into her wasn't that much of a coincidence after all.

......

"Jesse.....hi...."

That smile, that dimpled heavenly smile. That shit could unravel a man's insides. Friendly, warm, but with an air of mischief, a tad bit of trouble, the kind you wanna get in on, get in on with her. Why the hell did I text her, goddammit!!! 

He stood up. Took one deep long breath, as though he was taking her all in, breathing all of her, big smile on, hands in his pockets (thank God he wore jeans today) 

"Melanie!!! Hi, it's been a minute!"

He stood towering over her. This man, this full bearded giant of a man was so far from the skinny, lean, baby faced boy she used to know. But the way he looked at her, with those eyes, those very same eyes, was all too familiar, like he knew her. He'd always known her. He saw her. All stripped down to the bone, he knew her.

Herein lies the problem. A problem faced by all friends turned acquaintances by this thing we call life...time and distance. What is the most appropriate form of greeting here? What happens then when the said friends weren't really friends? They weren't lovers either, I guess that's where the problem lied, even in those good old days. Describing him to her friends was a mountainous task. 

"Kwani uyu Jesse ni nani?....Everytime you are in Nairobi his name has to pop up...and the way you talk about him, there's no way y'all are just friends."

"Walai we are just friends, si I told you we went to school together, tumezoeana tu that's all...,"

A lie you told over and over until you started to believe it. Scratch that, needed to believe it. Why? Because at that point you had a boyfriend, and admitting that he wasn't just a friend, even though he hadn't seen you naked yet, would mean that you were cheating, and damn if they ever called you a cheater!

Before she could decide the next course of action, he pulled her in for a tight neat bearhug that lasted a bit too long for it to be between just friends. Even estranged friends for that matter.Yeap, they were definitely never really just friends!

....

He holds the door open and she glides in, tilting her head down like a secret agent entering a speakeasy and pushing her shades all the more closer to her face -- an act born of habit rather than necessity. The maitre d leads them to the furthest end of the restaurant, a private lounge like they had requested, privacy being their number one priority. They trailed behind him, a phantom in his wake, sticking to the shadowy corners like seasoned spies. He leaves to get their order as he (Jesse) chooses the dimmest most secluded spot he could see. They weren't doing anything wrong, just two old friends meeting up for coffee. She told herself. But why did it all feel so wrong???

With a silent, almost theatrical gesture, he pulls out her chair, snatches her coat with such a comical exaggerated bow and whispers, "For you my Queen!" with a cocky smile plastered on his face. A tiny fizzy laugh escapes her lips, she couldn't help it. That warm scratchy tinge in the throat that you only get from good old friends that you hadn't seen since, well, forever. Their coffee was brought, its aroma wrapping all around them like a warm hug, cradling their mugs, they cozy up to it. The promise of an evening to remember lingering in the spaces between them.

“So, where did’ we leave off…..baby number what now?” He playfully asks, setting his mug down, for all intent and purposes, with the way he was looking at her, you'd have thought he was getting ready for an interrogation. Studying her. She laughs heartily, almost sending the big gulp she had just taken in jets across the table to his face. All the butterflies and nerves of the recent past forgotten. Of all the things they could have talked about, that was so not where she thought he'd jumpstart their conversation. 

“Baby number three now, and I think that’s where I’ll end it in this lifetime.” She replies heartily. 

All the while he kept looking at her. Staring at her. Almost as if he was seeing a ghost. Something so out of this world that he couldn’t bring himself to let out of his sight. How was it that she was sitting right there in front of him? How? When shit went down on his 26th birthday, he'd promised himself he'd never look for her. A year went by and she reached out once but his wounds -- the ones she had inflicted, were still too raw, still too painful, that he cut her off completely. Deep down, deep deep down he had always known that she hadn't meant it. He had triggered it after all, but accepting that would mean accepting the role he had to play in their downfall and he hadn't been ready just yet, not at the time. She needed to be the devil in his eyes for him to sleep better at night. She took it all in, his hatred, his dismissal. She took it all gracefully. I mean, what else could she have done? Wasn't she the one in the wrong!?

Years went by, the load got a little bit lighter and lighter but reaching out at such a point just seemed off. Like where would he begin? What would he say? He watched her get engaged, then married. Watched her get her babies, watched her take over the digital and social media scene the way she had always said she would. She amazed him, even when they weren't together her essence still got to him. She'd always had this knack for saying what she meant and meaning what she said. Even back then, he was sure she'd achieve her dreams, using him as her personal assistant, (with no pay) he got to witness firsthand all that she was upto. How her mind worked. Losing her hurt him to bits, staying with her was even worse but not making a decision, staying in the limbo they had been on for years felt like he was digging his own grave. And so a decision was made and out of his life she went.

“Good Lord Mel, you’re still as beautiful as I remember!!!,…Damn!!!,,,It’s like you haven’t aged one bit!!! My God!!” He let out, coming out of his trance. 

She tucks her braids behind her ear in embarrassment, she’s used to such compliments but not from him, not from the boy who broke her heart more than a decade ago. He was out of her life, she never thought they’d ever meet again, let alone be seated opposite each other conversing. Memories of the past lingered so heavily in their midst, looking into his eyes she could tell that he was feeling exactly what she was feeling. The nostalgia of what was -- and what could have been...

“I was kinda hoping you had aged like maybe even a tiny bit, social media doesn’t do you justice.” He goes on. “Wow,,,,those three babies have the prettiest mother in the world, they ought to know that.”

She blushes, Melanie blushes….it’s not easy to make her go all pinky faced liked that, given that she is a black woman, a light-skinned black woman but black all the same. Not much fazed her, she was used to all the attention but damn did he hit it. He always had a way of getting past her defences even way back then. All of a sudden, she felt like a teenager again. Giggling at some text or another he had sent. When he’d post a meme with her as the intentioned audience. When they talked all day everyday enriching Safaricom because 500 sms’s between the two, were never quite enough……

“So, what about you? How many babies now? And baby mamas?” She asks, mocking him. A grin on her face.

“Hmmmmm….kumbe miss famous and popular here has been keeping tabs on little old me! Wonders shall never cease!!!” He feigns his humble surprise with big exaggerated hand and face gestures. 

She rolls her eyes, “Oh come on, you aren’t exactly the recluse type as you purport to be. We are in the digital age love, and in the same field…..I’d be lying if I said your name doesn’t pop up from time to time in my meetings….Ah crap, you’ll make me say it, you little.....”

“Say what Mel?” The same stupid grin on his face.

Only he could frustrate and excite her all at the same time. He had mastered that art long before she knew what love was, let alone the toxic kind and all it came with.

"Fine...." she says, rolling her eyes.

“You’ve done pretty well for yourself Jes. Scratch that, you've done amazingly for yourself. I always knew you had it in you, that's why I tried to get you on board with my company years ago but I guess you had other plans up your sleeves. Surpassed even my own expectations really." 

Now it was his turn to turn all pinky-purpleish. 

"Most people are familiar with your company but not many know about the man who runs the show behind the scenes," she went on. And before he could proceed with the all too familiar line that all successful people use to feign humbleness, 'Ni God manze'  she adds, "you’ve done a pretty good job keeping out of the limelight, you’ll eventually have to tell me how you’ve been able to get away with it. That’s a must! I like the attention, always have, but I wouldn’t mind disappearing from time to time.” 

“My God!!! Goodness heavens!??!! Did the one and only miss I-know-it-all-and-I-can-do-it-better just give me a compliment?!!!….A mere mortal like me!!??? I never thought I’d live to see the day!!!….Quick question, Who are you and what did you do to my old friend Melanie???”

“Yeah yeah yeah, get over yourself buddy,” Another eye roll. “We were talking about your babies remember?…I heard you’ve got them all spread out in different area codes, more of timezones really….you’re pulling one leg up Mr Diamond Platinumz I see…” 

He bursts out laughing. So warm, so heartily, so removed from the big corporate persona non grata he had created. She couldn’t help but chuckle. In that dimly lit corner of the restaurant they had chosen, the world could have been burning but they wouldn’t have noticed it. I mean, how many times had she endured her mother’s wrath because the boiling milk had spilled over? How many times had they eaten ugali that smelled like ash and tasted like burnt wood? A million! Why? Because she just had to text him back. Because she just had to pick her phone, a mulika mwizi by then, when she heard that all to familiar notification ding that announced the arrival of an sms, from him, the one she had been anxiously waiting for. Her mother hated her phone sure, but hated the boy on the other end of it even more. She knew, she had always known that it had to be a boy. But then again, what could she do??

“Aaaah come on Mel…their mother moved to the other continent just the other day.” He finally says after regaining his composure. “And it’s just one thank you, three little girlies that stole my entire world eish!!! Those girls are so me, but then they are like girls. They scare me sometimes. At their age, I was still mick and shy, coming to my own but them?! They were ready to take on the world from the moment they were born. They’ve got so much energy, so much brain. Their mother complains that I let them get away with a lot but if I am being honest, those kidos play me like a fiddle. I don’t know how and why but I always end up giving in to their whims….” 

The waiter comes along, one nice old chap, they settled for nyama choma, a big plate of kachumbari, ugali and fries on the side, you know, just incase….they talked for hours on end, till it got dark outside. They did away with the hot beverages and settled for more friskier drinks like is the norm, when dawn approaches and the bellies are full.

Initially, the conversation had been light, more of “small talk” but as the buzz started kicking in, it got a lot more pillow talky. There’s just something about the dark and the falling sun that brings out the little vulnerable kid in all of us, don’t you think? They talked about the good old days and how they met in primary school. The teenage crushes they once had and the he-says-she-says heartbreaks in between, intentioned or otherwise.

“Na nani ako wapi btw?” were interjected here and there. “Nilikuwa na nani just the other day, you remember him?” followed in quick successions. "Ghai, did you hear what happened to nani?! Manze so young, it's so sad." "Oh are you still friends with nani? I've been seeing her making moves on the socials, you think you could introduce us? There's a project that we are doing and her company matches the criteria of what we are looking for...." And so on and so forth...

It was a miracle that they hadn’t ever crossed paths seeing as they both had founded huge companies in the tech industry, both of which had surpassed all expectations crossing boundaries, first Nairobi, then Kenya and then the whole continent of Africa. They were both heading to the international scene one move at a time, it was just about time....

"Fuck that uncle of yours btw!!!!....I have never felt so embarrassed in my whole life as I did that day! To date imagine! Did he have to do me like that?! Mbele ya watu!?? Alinifukuza kama mbwa bana!!!  Kama dogi, a stray dog nkt!!!..." 

Mel laughed, she laughed so hard that she almost toppled over. "Yani you still remember that..."

"Aiii how could you not?! When you are treated like a thief. I'm sure the guys around thought I had stollen something in his house...aki you don't do that bana!!!"

"But you were intending to...steal a heart I mean," she winks at him...

"Ha Ha Ha....very funny," he rolls his eyes....well, tries to, as best as he could.

"You ended up doing it, stealing the heart," and the mood suddenly shifted, got a bit sombre, "then broke it to a million shads and pieces faster than you could say 'Ruto Must Go'....with my own dear friend."

Silence...

"That was my first real heartbreak you know....I got heart broken before I even knew what love was😔"

"But you were toying with me Mel...you remember the first time I tried to kiss you? What did you tell me?"

"Aiiii kwa msitu, ata wewe Jesse!...I was kinda hoping you'd just go for it, instead of first asking....it would have been my first kiss, I was nervous as hell!!"

"Sasa how was I supposed to know that? Mimi I thought I was being polite,,,plus tulikuwa home area bana, na tungeshikwa? It was either that ama kwa barabara, si wewe ulikataa kukuja kwetu, ningekuficha proper😏😜"

"Ha Ha Ha, you mean ungeninyandua proper😼"

"Well, what's a man if he don't try😇"

"Nigga puh-lease," she rolls her eyes,,,rolls them so hard that only the white part remained.

"You forgot one tiny tiny detail though...I was dating your best friend remember?...There was a part of me that thought y'all were testing me. Testing my loyalties. I know you guys talked, in detail kwanza..."

"Argh, come on Mel, you call that dating?! Y'all hadn't even seen each other since y'all 'began' dating! Na mimi hapa nafukuzwa kama dogi juu yako?...And I still came to see you again and again, aki wewe msichana, si ulikuwa umeniroga!!!" He shakes his head, mocking her..."You know," he goes on, "there's this time I was at a sleep over at his, nigga fell asleep mapema sana,...I taunted him, since you were still talking to me - 'Amka bana, unaachaje mresh ivo!' you know what he told me? Ati you were already asleep. Ati ulkua umechoka ukalala mapema...Imagine my surprise, shock of all shokers, dem alikuwa ati amechoka amelala was still talking to little old me, and the convo was fire....bitch you liked me😏"

"Of course I did you dummy!!!" she slaps him hard on his pecs....Why else would I toroka kwetu to come see you?! Afu nikaangushwa na uyo boda..." with that they all crack up laughing...."ona tu vile the heavens were so against us😅😅😅"

"Iyo siku ulinivunja roho lakini, wewe msichana wa kwetu. Na vile I was such a gentleman. Nilikupandisha gari to go see another man imagine, na nikasema uyu akwere kabisa!!! Aish, it felt so so bad. I took the long route home that day"

"Finally, the boy admits it. I could never really get you to spill your emotions back then....you just wrote me, 'No one has ever made me think as hard as you did today' and blocked my ass"

"Haha I still unblocked you didn't I?"

"Only to break my tiny tiny heart😔...fuck you btw" She hits him again, this time harder and on his left shoulder, "you didn't have to date her, of everyone else you just had to chose my friend?!! You were leading me on this entire time kumbe behind the scenes ulikuwa unatuchezea kalongo. You know how hard it was to tell her, 'yeah, he's a nice guy Jean, and he seems to really really like you...naaah, he hasn't been pursuing me, we just friends....girrll go get him, he's a gem'....that felt like death, like I was stubbing myself over and over again in the chest."

"I always wondered why she came back after she found out about you...why didn't you bash me lakini, on my end you were so pissed, eish, ulinitusi mamaa, then stopped talking to me all together."

"I figured if things were to end between you two, it would never be on my account. Plus, that's how I felt, about you. We weren't exactly dating for me to call you a lying cheating cunt."

Silence......

"Funny how eventually it all crumbled and it was all because of you." He looks her straight in the eye. "You don't seem surprised though? I never mentioned that did I?"

"Naaah, but I figured....I guess I knew you all too well...."

They delved deeper about life,the way they used to think it would turn out versus the  way it had actually turned out. The big milestones in between, the heart wrenching experiences that went with it too. Such pain. Such loss. The weight of which they hadn’t and couldn’t have imagined as young fellows dipping their toes in uncharted waters. Loss can do that to you, kill a part of yourself. You think you have it back sometimes, that part of you that you lost, but then something happens that triggers the same feeling and it hurts just as much as it did the very first time, albeit even more. The heart is tricky like that, you grow up and grow wiser, your skin loosen and your joints become a little more timbre but the heart remains the same, you feel it in the same way, be it love or loss. 

The wins, for the most part, were gracious and a most welcome distraction from all the gloom talk. They stuck on them a little bit longer, not because they were many, which they were, the gods had truly blessed them but because they were both too scared of what the shadows might reveal, had they lingered too long. Those ghosts were best left in the past, safely stored and locked somewhere in the deep where not even alcohol and a friendly face would dare break free. Unless they lingered too long. They had always had that effect on each other, from the moment they reconnected, after high school. He texted first, God knows where he got her number, and the conversation just flew, top of the cliffs and soured. He was her best friend and her confidant, she was his favourite person in the entire world. 

“My God!” She exclaims, “It’s almost midnight, can’t believe time has gone that fast?!” She says looking at her phone. “Maybe we should wind up, I’ve had one too many already, my head’s a little bit woozy.”

“Haha in them days, we’d be leaving the house heading to the club right about now. Enyewe tumezeeka. I have to take my leave as well, got an early flight in the morning. You mind if I walk you up to your room?”

“Nah, I’m not too sure that I could walk up straight anyway hehehe.”

He leads the way, having chosen to take the stairs instead of the elevator, both dreading the moment they would have to say goodbye. Walking side by side, his arm lightly on her waist, not in a romantic sense more of “I got you incase you tumbled way’. There were a lot of unsaid words, a lot of unasked questions, questions that had made them avoid each other all that while because come on, their companies had worked together countless times, had they been intentional about it, they would have met years before. They walked in silence for what almost felt like 99 years.

They get to her door.

"This is me." words that she didn't have to say.

Silence...

She turns to face him. Her back to the door, an almost none existent space between them. Their eyes clocked. There was hurt there, and there was longing. There was some semblance there of what was, the good old days, the carefree life they lived in uni, all the drugs, all the alcohol, all the stupid little fights and the big ones. There was love there too. In the silence between them, it rang louder than all of their hurt combined, than all of their years apart.

He finally breaks it, their loud silence...

“Why did you do it Mel, kwanza on my birthday….why did you have to do me like that? You left me bleeding!!! Fractured my self belief and self worth” His voice was low, almost too scared to speak the words out loud. "You gave me a taste of heaven then ripped it away from me before I even got to enjoy it....Why Mel, why??? You could have just left things as they were..." Those thoughts had tortured his mind for years. At first, brutally, but in time, it became a slight silent ache every time he saw her face on a magazine, or the telly, social media, good heavens, she seemed to crop up everywhere. But the questions were ernest nonetheless, and it deserved an ernest answer in equal measure.

She took a deep breath then exhaled slowly. Another 99 years passed between them. She finally uttered, 

“You were my kryptonite...In every relationship I got in, or tried to, you were always there, lurking. Wanting me but never really claiming me. I get it, we were both too young, too scared to try, to lay all our cards on the table. We'd hurt each other before, but we never really truly recovered after that, despite what we kept telling ourselves. But to know that we had to try, atleast give it a shot. I'm really really sorry it ended like that love, I just didn't know how to break up with my first love with words, and still keep you in my life, so I guess I did it in the best way I knew how, but it turned out to be the worst way😔"

"In another world, a different life," she went on, "a life we didn't at least try, I would open this door and you'd walk in with me and we wouldn't leave for days...I would wreck my happy marriage, disrupt my kids lives, all for one, two, three days of perfect glee. But now," she unlocks her door and takes a step in, "I don't have to wonder what it would be like with you, we already know that part."

She smiles.

He smiles.

And she locks the door behind her.

........

Do you have your what if person? The one that got away?...tell me how that story went in the comment section down below...

Also, what do you think of my writings? Comeon now, be honest, good or bad, I promise I can take it😐

Have yourself one jolie Sunday, till next time, tata👋