MY MUBABAS AND I....

 

I was on a bodaboda the other day heading home from tao and like is the norm,  when you put a pretty lady and a bodaboda guy on a 10km tarmac stretch, he starts chatting me up. 

“Sasa Mrembo, uko Kamatira ndo home ama?" He screamed, his voice fragmented by the rush of air.

“Eeeh, kitu kama iyo.” I screamed back, hoping that we weren't going to do the usual dance of him talking and me pretending to have heard what he was on about. You know, the usual....

Boda guy; Waa si uku kwenu ni mbali

Passenger; Enyewe...

Boda guy; Hii economy aki

Passenger; Kabisaaa...

Boda guy; Ruto aki hatufanyii mazuri

Passenger; Umenena mtu wangu...

Boda guy; Nataka ukue wangu..

Passenger; Iyo ni must!!...

That typa drift, you get.

And just before he embarks on an all too familiar route of conversation, we hear

“Antooooooooooooooo……....................”

He jerked, the motorbike bucked beneath us, I saw death nani, yani ni Mungu tu! But he played it so cool like slamming the breaks in the middle of a highway with an on coming trailer loaded with sand or something travelling at 570km/h while trying to overtake an unhealthy looking probox and nearly slammed into us was an everyday thing in his world. 

"Ahhh jackie ni wewe!!!!…..He shouts at the direction from which his name came. His bike and me on top of it safely parked by the road side.

"Eeehhhh...." Our jolie over the top near death causer shouts back, clearly in the best of moods, as is determined by her over the top wave gestures. 

He revs the bike back up and does this circle movement thing with his arm, something prolly to say..

’Acha nifikishe uyu hapa tu na pitia sahii sahii…’

She does a thumbs up and we go on our way safely with his face planted straight ahead like it should have been all along. But then he bursts out laughing. One big, gulpful very loud type of laugh and I swear he goes on like this for like 5 minutes straight. 

Me, on the other hand, I was having one of those meeeh days. You know, the days when you are mad or sad for absolutely no reason. Well...none that you can actually put a finger on but you just are. The type of days that all animals and humans alike should stay away from you because you actually bark…..and bite!!!…You know, those type of days. So while this whole like 5 second act played out, I was paying zero attention, barely reacted to his laughing spree. Barely even noticed that we had just escaped death by an inch. Matter of fact, I think him playing cool was a result of me playing cool. Like why fuss when the customer wasn't fussing no?

“Umeona uyo msichana amenisalimia hapo nyuma?” Anto asks. “Nimemchukua hapo KMTC leo asubuhi kama amevaa uniform," He goes on without waiting for a response from me. 

"Alikua anadropiwa na gari fulani, mimi nilikua namngoja just around the corner. G ari ikaenda na akanikimbilia mbioooo nikambeba. Nikampeleka kwa beshte yake dem fulani, akachange afu nikamdrop kwa boyz wake…” Anto goes on.

By this point I’m piqued. Listening so hard you'd think my life depended on it. Leaning on too close, too too close for comfort. Our guyz didn't complain though, he actually pushed back like he liked it.

“Sahii namwona na uniform tena, na probably anataka nimrudie ivi ndo nimpeleke shule." A sudden silence engulfs us, like he was waiting for me to decipher the magnitude of the words and story he had just told me. Waiting for me to take it all in, the howling wind not withstanding.

"Weuh!!!!???…..Aki nyinyi waschana si mko na mambo.!!!” Ata hamfichi!!!!!"….He finally utters his closing remark.

Then, as though awakened from a dream, noticing my silence and that he had been yapping on for a while now, he regains his composure. Well, as best as you can on a whirlwind of motion and noise. 

“Mrembo, ama nimeguza pabaya?….Unajua naeza kua naongea vibaya na huniambii,” He actually sounded worried that he might have offended a lady. Albeit one that looks like she attends the same school.

This time, without really wanting to indulge in conversation, (remember the meeeh feels I was under?) I laughed. Like a wild untamed beast that had just broken free and my God, did it feel nice. The genuineness of it all! 

“Aiii hapana! Mimi nilimaliza shule kitamboooo….University that is,” I got used to adding that last part because they almost always assumed it was high school I'd be talking about. 

"Oh, na aki hukai mzee ivo, ama mimi ndo sijakuangalia vizuri?….." He mocks me, the ass! Laughter, after all, is the balm for the soul. The tension therein nonexistent now.

"Lakini wewe unaona aje, si iyo si poa. Madem hawafai kufanya ivo." He gets back to his initial train of thought. 

Again, I really truly honestly wasn’t in the mood for conversation let alone pretend to care what he was on about. Even just the ounce of energy to pretend and nod along with the eehhhhs and the haiyaas and the Imagine aki Ruto….none, zero, nada, zilch!!!

But in this case, manze I had to. It wasn’t that he had said, 'Madem hawafai,' it was the way he had said it. The chauvinistic privileged way only a chauvinistic privileged man would say it. Like sure, us men we can do it but wanawake, how dare they!!!??

Now, on a normal day I probably would have let that slide. Maybe even laughed it off but he got me on a wrong wrong day. I was just waiting for that little flicker of light, a tiny tiny flame just to blow up. To be honest, he might not even have said it the way my brain told me he had said it,,,,could have just been that yours truly was angling for a fight, any type of a fight.

"Aiii bro, mimi ukiniuliza, that’s just business! It’s in the books, the law of supply and demand. Kitambo, you guys had the upper hand, albeit physical strength being the mightiest from of power. The female form was, still is weaker but the times have changed boo! Brain is making brawn its fucking bitch!!! 

Today, it's all about value exchange and my God have girls figured out that they have been sitting on a goldmine.You want something that I have and I want something that you have. Thats just business don't you think? 

And then comes the internet and with that, the advent of social media. Now girls pretty much know the demand that their privates have and decided to put a price on it. I mean, wouldn't you? Wewe endelea kusema madem hawafai while she's making her way to the bank! Anto, kusema tu ukweli si ata wewe if you were the moneyed guy you'd be throwing it away on them shawrries,,,,unaskia tu vibaya because now it is you on the receiving end. Your girl left you for a rich guy didn't she?" He didn't see the cocky smirk on my face but he felt it. Something in his demeanour so said that he had😏 

My guy was offended, albeit a little hurt, I think I might have touched on a yet to heal would lakini mwanaume ni nani, he put on a brave face. He continued yapping on about the cons of all of that mess but lets be honest, he didn't like it because it wasn't privilege that went his way. Ata nguvu ilikua imemwisha by now, I mean, who would argue with a chic who comes with all of that English hehehe.

We continued on in utter silence, the only sound that of the wind violently caressing my face. The mesmerising green meandering lush of West Pokot County passing us by, the type of beauty that can only be felt, not described. I closed my eyes, savouring the sensation of movement and eventually my mind drifted off. Back to the good old days when yours truly dipped her toes in the sponyo pool. Maisha ilikuwa imenibeba nikakubali kubebeka. 

Here's the thing, before we get into the nitty gritties of it all, I had never thought I'd be that girl. Had never even imagined it. To me, even a 27 year old with a kitambi screamed MUBABAS! I never could get past it. The fact that my father has one, aiiii, that shit was just a turn off! 

But that wasn't it really, time made me question my standing. Let's say you just happen to make friends with the said 27 year old, you get to learn that that's just an appearance thing, like me being judged for my thick thighs and hella nyash....I know I know, that might not be the best example but hey, there's more to me than just the thighs, nyash and a dimpled face...get my drift😏😊

For me, it all came down to power. I don't know how I came to that conclusion but it had stuck with me throughout my childhood all the way to my adulthood. The one who had the money had all the power, in all relationships, romantic or otherwise. 

Cheki, having grown up kwa kambi, my mom being a prison warden, I got to see all of this dynamic play out. Here, the drama of one household was entertainment for the whole 'village'. The issues always had something to do with money. The man being the breadwinner almost always got to do whatever and whenever he wanted and again, almost always, got away with it. I'd watch stay at home moms all envious of my mom because she made her own money and catered to her family in the best way she could without depending on a man. 

Looking back, it is so funny how that manifested. They'd laugh and talk about her behind her back demeaning her with the fact that she wasn't married, that she was raising two kids all on her own. They thought they were better off because of that one thing called "marriage". They took pride in the fact that they had a man when in fact, they were sharing the said man, with thousand others. Their lives were so sad and so fucked up that even now, I'd want to cry for them. 

Like how would you think you are better off when you have to move your kids to a shitty ass school because your man couldn't afford school fees??!. Let's get this point right, it's not even that he couldn't afford it, it's just that he couldn't really manage his finances, having spent almost all of it on girls and drinks in bars, clubs and trips that he never took you to. Ain't that just sad? 

Not only have you destined yours and your kids lives to poverty, but you are also exposing yourself to a multitude of diseases HIV being the least of your worries. Talk about mental health. Talk about your next to zero self esteem. Talk about never ever really truly achieving an orgasm (when he's paying for it, he feels entitled to it, and when he feels entitled to it, it is all about him, never about you) how sad is that? And to crown it all, talk about all the trauma her kids will have to endure as grown ups. All the shitty men that will walk into their lives, all the harm they will do to them. They will take all that in because mama did. Because, to them, the bare minimum is what a guy does and what is expected. I got my childhood friends now living in abusive marriages, both physical and emotional but hey, si they have a man?!

How do you even contemplate leaving when that's the kind of love you know? How would they even manage all on their own with the shit education that they got? With a non-existent self belief? With the false narrative that their only value comes with being with a man? Ati ndoa ni kuvumilia?!!! How would they???

Excuse my language but that's complete and utter rubbish!!!! All BS!!!! Greater lies than what this religious pastors feed us. MATOPE!!! TAKATAKA!!! BULLSHIT!!!!

But then again, it could be because I was raised by a strong independent lady, aka Senior Sergent Madam Terry. She is and has always been about her money and my God, you have no idea how attractive that shit is. 

At 56, my mom still gets guys crashing on her, wanting her. Amejikeep na akajimaintain. Knowing that you are contributing to a cause gives you audacity, to speak your mind and share your thoughts. To be part of the decision making process. And with that, comes the very vital and crucial thing that all humanity craves, RESPECT.

There was a moment in time when I had a stepdad. I was really young so I could never really tell what was happening, all I knew, was that when my mom walked away, his house was left empty. All the things that you'd think he'd bought, my mom had, despite the fact that he was making waayyyyyyyyy more. Their biggest fight happened when my mom baught land and set the title deeds to her name. Eish, nigga went basark!!! Ati him, being the head of the household, should have had it under his name. 

Now now, my dearest readers, how does one want to take ownership of property he didn't contribute a dime to????....Manze, make this make sense to me???...I mean, it's just the audacity really!!!??? Like how??? Ati because you have a thing dangling between your thighs, oh please😳😒😒....When we left, nigga tried to committ suicide. Now that's the type of value I mean. Value add, value given. He forgot that 50% of the population have a dangling thing between their thighs so really, would we call that real value??

But let's say I didn't have all those experiences earlier on, how did I really get to understand the dynamics of power when money was involved in relationships? That part I credit it to daddy dearest. At the time when he was telling it to me, I didn't get to which extent it all went. So, when he was dropping me off in school, university that is, he told me one thing, ok, maybe several things because that man is blessed with the spirit of giving advice.

The first was, "Dee, nimekuleta shule wewe peke yako so please, make sure ukimaliza you'll still come home as one, not in twos..." By that he meant, mtoto wangu tafadhali usipate mimba, please and thank you!

The next, was how guys would try literally anything to get me in bed, me being a fresher. To please not succumb to silly antics, just to wait it out and when the right guy comes along, I'd know it. Not by how much he spends or how much he says, but how he treats me. 

Then the biggest one came, by this time I was already rolling my eyes (inwardly that is) like aaiiiii....when is this man leaving? I need to start living yawah!!! But he goes on, 

"Dee, I don't want to hear, ever, ati unaomba mtu pesa.....not your friends, not your uncles and aunties, not even your brother....umeniskia Diana!!!" I looked at him all confused, that conversation had taken a turn I hadn't expected. 

"Aiiii dad, not even my brother!?..." 

"Yes Diana," he went on, "The only exception is your mother but I don't even see why you'd need to. You are very lucky that your old man can cater to all your needs without calling for a harambee and as long as I have my health and I can still provide for you and your sisters, I am the only man who'll ever give you anything without expecting nothing back! Ni mimi tu Dee, the rest of them all are hyenas on the hunt and at some point, you don't know when, they will pounce. Baby girl, niskize tu, si I have given you everything??? And incase it isn't enough, you can always call me and we will talk!"

And true to his word, I never lacked. Even the stupidest reasons I gave, even the time he caught me red handed taking money from him and from my mom all for the same reason he just laughed at me...

"Aiiiii Diana, we just talked with your mom juzi tu na akaniambia ulimuitisha pesa ya salon. Sahii ni mimi unauliza. Dee, I know you are smarter than that, at least come up with better lies or tell it in better ways next time sawa!!!" Two minutes later I had my phone vibrate, it was an mpesa received😊😊😊....God bless that man's heart, I whispered silently!

So, with all that in mind, the thought of a mubabas had never crossed my mind. Even the dynamic of my friendships were highly structured upon the give and take funnel, money not being the issue. 

Do I like you? Do I enjoy spending time with you? That was it, it was never a question of ni nini utanipatia when we chill. It was never a question of 'Nitumie fare ndo nikuje...' If I am meeting up with you, it's because I like hanging out with you. I'd do it  just the same whether it was at Kwa Mathee's Kibandaski or at Villa Rosa Kempinski. Just the same. Wewew pull up with what you can and leat's have a feast. Most often than not te cheap trills ended up being the most memorable of them all. It was all about my time really, if I didin't like you, why would I waste my time, and yours too?

That said, I also never took anything or went anywhere that I couldn't afford to on my own. Ati twende roadtrip coasto, and then we fight you leave me there high and dry, stranded!!! Hell to the fucking no!!!...Not me sugar! If it costed too much I'd make sure I've contributed even just a little. Maybe pay for the cab back home, or buy one two shots, ama tu smocha na mshikaki by the road side....vitu ndogondogo  kama izo. In many ways, I came later to learn, it made my date feel appreciated, that I valued our friendship just as much, that I respected his time just as much. My best friend at the time wasn't ok with that whole dynamic. For her, mwanaume ni kutoa pesa, kugaramia kila kitu. Straight from the uber ride to the drinks and meals and all else they'd be partaking in. Her train of thinking was, 'Men are dogs!!! All of them, trash trash trash....when we get married, he'll end up cheating and playing me like a fiddle so while I can, Imma darin them, down to the bones!!!' (Her words not mine.)

I think therein lies a load of trauma, hers and her older siblings but what I couldn't get is that she put it on all men in her life, friends included. She'd always be reluctant to contribute if we were doing a group thing and there were guys involved. Always expecting them to chip in more even if the said group thing was of her own making. Mimi ilikua inanishangaza sana. I mean, if we are friends, just friends, why would I feel entitled to your money???....Ati simply because I have boobs?? Aiiii never quite made sense to me and thus, we agreed to disagree when it came to said topic. The funny thing now is that whereas I got 6 proposals last year (2024), yes yes, men wanting to wife me (I kept saying I'm not wifey, turns out that statement makes them wanna wife you even more hehe) she was forcing a guy to have a baby with her, hoping that maybe he'd wanna settle thereafter. The said guy didn't want anything to do with her, just maybe her privates. He'd go as far as calling her names and top on that list, best believe, was "Why the hell did you introduce me to that friend of yours Dee, so materialistic this one, ptttoooo!!!.....I don't want her, please take her back!"

She's a good one, that ex-friend of mine. She'd prolly make a good wife and a greater mother. I sent her that screenshot and told her, 

'I wish you would show them the version of you that you show me, they'd fall in love with you in a heartbeat.' 

And I meant it. Her past traumas led her to her beliefs where men are concerned. Not false beliefs by any means, but I find relationships to be quite nuanced, never just a black and white kind of affair. Her's being, when she gets married she'll have to bend backwards and tolerate a lot from her man. Sacrifice who she is for her man so while she can, when he is still wooing her, she'll milk that cow dry!! So instead of going for a good man, she's been chasing a man with money. A man who can spoil her silly. The thing is, are all rich men generous men???....I'll leave that upto to you to decipher.

Back to our mubabas, Oh sorry, I meant MY mubabas. The name, Mr Ted Njuguna, aka Teddy. Teddy because he liked the sound of it and it made him feel young and hungry like back in the day, he says...For him that's prolly when dinosaurs were alive really. First things first, that is soo not his name, like hey, I might be in with the whole story telling bit but nigga never did me dirty so I won't air his dirty linen for his wife and kids to see. I am a lot of things but homewrecker ain't one of those. (aaah, this generous heart of mine😌)

And like all bad decisions, this one starts with that thing we all know as peer pressure and, of course, a broke bitch! 

So, lemme take you back to 2023, I was 27, and on a mission to stay single and celibate. Why, you ask, because boys have a tendency to take you out of your main goals and pursuit in life aka going into business by myself. In all fairness, I had cut off a lot of contact from my family and friends as well. Having been diagnosed with bipolar the year before, going into rehab, putting my dreams on hold, getting to my rock bottom and all, I had sworn that 2023 would be my year of self discovery, getting to know myself afresh in my own way outside voices and noise notwithstanding. So on this particular day, I was seated in my small bedsitter with a friend of mine. She lived close by so most often that not you'd find her at mines, which I didn't really mind because cost sharing meals was easier than me handling it by myself. It was a friday and like all fridays, kuna kitu tu lazma isumbue rohoni. I hadn't been out in like three four months ivi, all willingly at first till the 'friends' stopped calling. I know to some that doesn't seem like much but remember, I was a reformed party girl. Through my early to mid twenties I couldn't remember one weekend that I spent sober, alone and in my own house. It used to be so bad that my father had to bribe me to go home even though I was probably in Nairobi when I was receiving his calls. So kusema nilikuwa nawashwa was an understatement. It was more of a need than a craving really, an itch that needed to be scratched badly. But then again, as a rule of thumb, you don't go to a club when you couldn't stand on your own. So, my girl, let's call her Ramsey, was like,

"I have this guy, a mubabas and he is only available on Sundays because that is when his family is in church....si I just text him tuone kama atatununulia kakitu?"

"Atatuma? Ivo tu?" I asked not fully convinced that life could be that easy when we had been eating skuma wiki day in day out. 

"I am not too sure but he is our safest bet since we can't really afford to go out, si ata kaquorra na one two joints will do?...We have our own inhouse party!!! Nimetext hawa mang'ombe wengine they all wanna meet up to spend up and to be honest, mimi siwafeel."

"Sawa, send that text.....aahhh actually, si umpigie tu, tumalizane na hii story mbiombio...." I chirped in my small small contribution.

She did and the bossman, Mr Teddy, did not disappoint. He sent his small small moneys and we had our small small chill out sesh and all was good with the world again. Then Sunday came and like Ramsey had predicted, the guy calls her up, he wants to see her. She's not too excited to see him so what does a girl do when she knows she has to see him or risk him doing away with her entirely when she doesn't really want to get down and dirty? You guessed it, she tags a friend along!!!

The said friend didn't mind it one bit. Yani a free meal, an opportunity to dress up and a fun day awaiting all with no expectations on my end!! Aiiii, mimi I was so in. Eeiiiii that day I dressed up manze, in all black, them curves all out to play. Super tight leather pants with an even tighter body suit paired with thigh high boots, eish, even the girls were staring😋😻😻. 

When he arrived, she went to meet him first. I should have known she hadn't quite mentioned me to him but did I really care?! When I jumped into the back seat he was clearly agitated but hey, what's a man to do😄. Plus, he noticed the curves an the pretty face planted on top of them....his face quickly shifted from agitation to that which says, 'Just go along with this buddy, today might just be your lucky lucky day, sema threesome reloaded!!'

He took us to some dingy nyama choma baze and my did my heart fall. But like we all know, beggars can't be choosers, you take what you get right? Turns out it was their kalocal, far away from where his wife would ever be or even think he would ever be. Turned out the choma was pretty nice, coupled with a drink, iyo kitu ilislap aje😋😋😋. Anyway, my main issue there was the fact that I had pulled out manze, dressed to the nines! Afu napelekwa kibandaski!!!😟😢😢 Like I looked like the girl you take to a place where you have to eat with 17 different folks, knives and spoons. 5 courses kuendelea yawah. I thought the term 'sponyo' implied it sindio???! (this coming from a chile who was thirdwheeeling heheh) but it ended up being fun, we’ll,,,,sort of.

Since that was her base, my girl kinda knew everyone. She’s this boisterous kind, the kind that I’d go to a club with knowing fully well mtu akinichokoza she would handle him. In the beginning, when we met, I had this inkling that she might be lesbian but I rubbed it off, I mean, she was on a date with a guy. Ok, lemme take y’all back kidogo tu. We hadn’t been friends for long really, it was her business IQ that attracted me to her. I thought huh, this one we could do magic together. 

You see, with most of my girlfriends, of whom I wasn’t talking to much at this point, our conversations revolved around boys, clothes, moshene then back to boys. I kept bringing in business, like you’ve got this skill, si we monetise it, none of them took it up. Most of them, like yours truly, had been raised to chase the coporate ladder. The go to school, get good grades then get employed kinda ladder. Initially, I used to think that I was the one with the problem for being/thinking differently but looking back I kinda see how those relationships were meant to be left back in campo. They call it social shading I hear. Today, in this day and age, I have finally realized that that is completely fine. You don't have to feel sorry for the people you leave behind. It may hurt sure, but you are the sum total of the five people you are mostly with after all, do you like your circle?

You know how sad it is that the people you spend most of your time with, you hardly ever talk finances with?? Yet that is so basic, almost felt like no one ever wanted to touch on such a topic, kusota was compulsory yet talking about how to get out of it was a no no. Like look, I get it. We haven’t been raised to talk about money, it has always been a taboo in our African culture. Actually, that’s the one thing I admired about men in general. All the advice I have gotten, in person, mostly came from men. It was always easier to talk about money with guys, not all of them, but majority were up for it. So when Ramsey came along, she was a breath of fresh air. And I, swoon as I was, immediately invited her to my place….should have taken my time to get to know her a little bit but hey, when you are “in love” them redflags look pinkish.

I was out on a walk then decided to check out this hotel just around my area. It was a lazy afternoon, I was battling some fits of anxiety and I had learnt nature and walks tended to calm me down. It is a garden resort kind of set up, I was nervous since I didn’t have a dime on me, I looked like a homeless mboch (you know how you look like when you’re home, don’t really feel it and seeking no attention? Like you just want to disappear in the crowd?…A big T, giant ugly sweats, Yeah ivo) so I didn’t really think ati anyone would take an interest in me. The place wasn’t crowded and I pretended that I was checking it out coz I wanted to bring my friends later. I noticed them (Ramsey and her date) notice me and just as I was leaving, the guy walks up to me,

“Hey, sasa…..why are you leaving so fast?”

At this point I am hella uncomfortable, my head was running. Why would he come up to me while his girl was seated right there staring at us? Mimi nilikua tu nimeona vita. This guy wants trouble and I didn’t want any part of it!!

He noticed my discomfort, I mean it was written all over my face.

“Ah, don’t worry love, it’s actually my date who wants you to come join us.” I looked over at her, the bitch was smiling and gesturing, kuja sweety. Ah, mimi I relaxed and to be honest, they had piqued my interest. I went over, found out that that was more of a work date kind of situation. She was in the events space, he was the manager of said garden resort (nimesahau jina walai) The place was struggling, it hadn’t managed to get back on its feet the way it had been pre-covid so they were discussing the ways they could work together to bring it back to its former glory. And here, my interest piqued even further. 

Call it being in the right place at the right time! Meeee!!!, A Social Media manager!!! Lahaula!!! How lucky was I?! And how lucky were they to have found me?! I mean, what better way to spread awareness of your existence as a business if not through social media?! Hii opportunity singewacha!! Aje sasa! Even the shot I had refused to indulge in I was like, fuck it! I sat my ass down, pigad two three shots and that is how our friendship was born. Her place wasn’t far from there so it was easy for us to link up. She’d come over to mines, we’d cook together, share outfits, spend the night even, manze, it was like I had found my best friend in the midst of one lonesome year.

So, there we were at our choma base, “our mubabas” wasn’t drinking, (he had to pick up his wife and kids shortly after….also, it wasn’t his thing really.) He had given up on the idea that he was getting some that day really, seeing as she had tagged a friend a long, a friend who clearly was so not up for it or in that space even. Being left all to ourselves (Ramsey was playing pool) meant that he kinda had to break the very awkward silence that we had going on and I guess with the little I said, he took interest. Ata kama singeongea clearly my outfit was doing that thing. That thing that forces you to look even if the intention was never to. That thing that made him ask for my number, from her, dayyyysssss later, unbeknown to me. That thing that made him have the balls to say fuck it, ‘I know this will upset Ramsey and she’d prolly never want to deal with me anymore but a nigga gotta shoot his shot’ And a shot he shot!

I guess he had been at it for a while because when Ramsey told me, she was like,“Ah Dee, uyu mzee ananisumbua, he wants your number.” 

Just by her tone you could tell she wasn’t too thrilled about it, more of annoyed really but just like you, she could tell our guy alikua ashamtoka. It’s not like she even liked or wanted him really, but she liked what he could do for her financially. And I mean, who doesn’t like being made to feel that they are wanted?!…The attention was off her and on me. Her one remaining choice was to either let him pursue me na kumkula from that end or end up losing him entirely. The choice was easy, kumkula through me. (The 'kumkula' there is used loosely to mean kukula pesa zake, not him him, don’t get it twisted honey!) The hard part, she knew, was to convince me to go along with it.

Sikuwa hiyo rada one bit! Cheki, I was intentionally not going out on dates with guys my own age, sembuse one from my father’s generation!!! He didn’t seem like a bad dude to be honest, from our short conversation at the choma zone, I got that he actually did love his family, and respected his wife immensely. (I know I know, this seems a bit too far fetched but hang in there with me for just a sec). I mean why else would he go to such lengths to hide his outside manenos from her?? To a place that even his own friends wouldn’t be caught in? Like hey, I am with you here, cheating is cheating but as I have grown, I have come to realise things aren’t always as black and white as we would like them to be. It felt more of he had an itch that needed to be scratched physically that was probably not being met at home for one reason or another. but the way he talked about his family, nigga really cared. (I sound delulu right?)

After pestering me for a while I finally gave in. “Ah sawa, mpee tu. But mimi I am not entertaining him, atakula mablueticks peke yake!” And so the number was given. He didn’t reach out for days after that. Then one day a call comes in, a new number and having forgotten all about him, I picked it up. 

“Hey Diana, sasa?”

“Poa sana…Ummmm ni nani?” His voice hadn’t registed yet.

“It’s Ted, ule wa Ramsey, si unanikumbuka?…” Yeap, I did…..Goddamnit, here we go…

“I’m around your area, si it’s where I dropped you off the other day?….You aren't busy are you? I remember you told me you work from home. Come, let me take you out for lunch..I have like an hour to spare, please say yes...”

I was with Ramsey, that fact he didn’t know. And right when the call came in, we were discussing tukule nini for lunch. Who will buy it and who will cook it. When I registered it was him I put him on loud speaker and I saw it on Ramsey’s face, “”Kaching, lunch imejileta like manna from the heavens, who would say no to that!!!….I was just about to say, NO THANK YOU BUDDY when Ramsey snatches my phone and hangs up. She goes ahead and gives me a lecture….

“Dee acha ujinga! Free lunch! In public! For only a couple of minutes! Aki trust me, he won’t ati rape you…enda tu manze, afu ubebe take away, you don’t even have to stay with him…si kabaya, kubali tu mama, pork sahii si inaweza slap😋!!!”

Put it like that, then it didn’t seem too scary. He called back almost immediately and I was like, 

"Ok sawa, lakini silali na wewe, iyo wewe jua…" He bursts out laughing for like 5 minutes straight!!!…."Wah! kwani unaniogopa ivo!!! Baby girl, I have no ill intention with you, I just met you and I liked how you think so I just want to get to know you a little bit better. I won’t force anything you are not up for, trust me. Lakini if you decide to go on that route, who am I to say no hehehe." 

We met up like 30 minutes after, by now he had 30 minutes before his next appointment so all in all, it worked out well for me. We talked about my business and how hard it was for me to get it up and running. We talked about my parents and how they were disappointed with the choices I was making. We talked about peace of mind and how he wished he had put that first in his early days. We talked about self discovery in the midst of the chaos that life is. About being true to oneself and the meaning behind it all. He told me about his family, his three kids, 2 boys and a baby girl. He talked about how hard it was to maintain intimacy after kids and being married for 2 decades plus. We mostly talked about his daughter, still in primary school, and how he was raising her in such a complicated environment, and he touched on my daddy issues, kinda made me see things from my father’s point of view. He said he liked how determined I was to pursue my dreams, said that he admired how I had sort of figured myself out that early in life. He asked me why I was friends with Ramsey.

"Si coz we are just friends, why would you ask that? I think I sounded a little bit too defensive.

"You just don’t seem like her type. Are you sure she is really your friend Diana?…."

I let that slide because he wasn’t the first or the last to ask me that. By this time I had noticed kuna kunitumia ananitumia (the Ramsey chick) and the guy didn’t even know that she was crashing at mines almost every day. 

She’d be like, Dee usijali, nikipata kakitu kadogo I’ll help you out with rent na kadhalika. I believed her. Until I didn’t. 

We got the meal, and a drink, he dropped me off and off he went with a “Aki promise you’ll pick my calls, si umeona mimi si kabaya.” "Hahaha sawa, I promise I will." I said back in jest. "I really really like you though, I am ok with us being just friends but I’d like to be more," he went on, "What would it take for you to give me just a day with you? 

I smiled at him cheekily and asked, "If I said yes to you, what would I get out of the exchange?…

"I will take care of you baby girl." This time he sounded wayy too cocky. 

"But how though? My rent na chakula I can figure out, my priority right now is to get my business up and running, I need at least 100Gs in investment, utafika bei?

"Hahaha iyo yote? Hakuna kunegotiate ata kidogo?

"Nope, take it or leave it sweety!"

He went serious for a bit, "Naeza pata like 3k, afu we meet up next Sunday…I’ll pay for the hotel na kadhalika..."

Mimi nilicheka tu!!! Like what else could one do?!

"Bro, that isn’t even half my rent. Ati 3k, iyo naeza pata with two three phone calls without the need to take my clothes off! Daddy tembea!! Hapa hatusaidiani!." And I couldn't stop laughing. He must have thought I was mocking him.

"Ni sawa tu, si afadhali tu uniambie hunitaki badala ya 100k, aki wewe Diana, ni sawa tu…"

I was like, 

"Good boy, kumbe he can read between the lines😝" patting him on his shoulder the way you'd do a dog. Bye bye Teddy, see you when I see you.....I guess. 

"Hahaha sawa, pick my calls ok? I can’t wait to see where your ideas take you, umeninyima lakini I am still rooting for you big time." 

And just like that he was on his way.

What would I have done had he had the 100Gs at hand? That's the elephant in the room really. Do I have the answer. Nope, ata mimi sijui and I guess we will never know.

So back to my bestie Ramsey, you remember how we met? The hotel manager guy she was with? Turns out their main business was bumping uglies not events planning. Turns out when they called me over it was her who was interested in me not him. When I invited her over kwangu she came with the notion that she’d try her luck with me akapata mimi siyuko uko kabsaa!!!! Turns out she saw an opportunity of a nice naive little princess who had a charm to attract. Ushawai uzwa kwa nyumba yako wewe???? Kuuzwa, si kuozwa, get me right dearest reader. Weuh, uyo msichana alinionyesha mambo under my own roof! Hakuna biashara tulichapa pamoja, but she was in it for business, I just didn’t know I was the goods she was selling. How I found out, keti chini kidogo nikupigie story.

So, I learnt soon after that her main business was getting money from men, some she’d sleep with, most she’d lead on until she couldn’t anymore. She was in all this dating apps, matter of fact, she had a mzungu guy whom they’d never met but who’d come through for her from time to time. Uyo sasa ndo alikua her main but the effort she’d put in walai, to make him feel special and heard was tremendous. Ati nishinde calling you day and night, asking about your kids, pretending to actually care about your health, Nijikute!!! I can barely keep up with my own chats from people I actually care about! (the dude was all shades needy). Every time he called, video call that is, they’d be on for two three hours straight na hakuna kitu ya maana walikua wanaongelea. 

The days she’d be going out with other guys she’d make sure she called him prior, pretended she was beat beat nikuzima anazima. I'd always be like, 

"Mamma, hii effort yote si ningekua nimekufunza one two one two about social media marketing tusaidiane to make this money?" 

One thing I noticed though, was that she’d always bring up her son, who was in shags with her mum every time she needed money. Oh my son needs this, oh my son needs that and blah blah blah. It got to a point where she'd even use it on me every time my rent was due and I wanted a little bit of help to clear it. I mean, she had been sleeping there all this while, using my water, my gas, my tokens, my wifi, like halloo, kuniongezea thao mbili tatu was the least she could do but she always came back with, 'aki my kid needed new shoes for school sasa ikabidi nimetumia mum ile kidogo nilikua nayo'😵. My heart always bled out for the kid, being a good Christian girl and all, and I’d let it slide. It got to a point that I actually had to pretend that nimefungiwa nyumba, slept at a neighbours to finally get her out my house and out my life and guess how she finally broke the horses' back🙉

It was one fine lazy Saturday afternoon, we were just chilling, her on her phone, me on my computer then she gets a call, from a guy she really really liked. A guy she'd been crushing on mad mad. Nigga wanted to see her and by that I mean alikua anatafuta form, prolly bored to his knickers somewhere. He’s the guy she had tried getting a hold of for the longest but he was always busy, we all have that one guy we’d drop it all for right? However dodgy he'd be? 

She was like, "I’m at a friends but give me a few ntakua kwangu." 

"Is this friend a guy or a chile?" He asked, of course he asked. 

"Ni dem…." She said, already knowing where his head was at.

"Si basi let me come uko penye mko, if she is ok with it that is. I actually have a friend with me as well." 

This time I didn’t need much convincing, I was just like, "You know him? Like know him know him? Really really well?…."

"Eeeeh, tumepiga sherehe na yeye mara mob sane. He actually has a girlfriend ata na tunajuana wote. He’s good vibes, this one mimi I vouch for 100% I don’t know the friend though, lakini najua crew yake ni lit lit. Nimwambie wakam?"

"I'm easy,,,,bora walete chakula. Na wakiniboo mimi I am kicking them out mara dat that!"

She laughs, and texts, we’re game!

20 minutes in the squad had arrived. And let me tell you Maina, I liked what I saw. I understood why she had a crush on him (Nick) and the friend was also a sight to behold!! (Something tells me it was my celibate status that made me see and want what I saw hehehehe...aki mahanjam wewe🙈) 

The drinks were brought, joints were ordered, KFC honey dunked wings came through and the vibes were vibing. She was with the Nick guy, I was with the friend guy, ngoma, kulewa, mapuffs, iyo siku ilijipa!! until they left unceremoniously without warning, the food had just arrived yawah! but who cared?! More drinks and food for us and them neighbours if need be. 

Here’s the thing, mtu wangu, weeks later, as we were chilling with the friend on my balcony, us having kept in touch and him having liked my stash, aka, my plugs stash, he kept “passing by” he finally lets out, 

“Dee, I’ve been really trying to read you all this while but you are such an enigma, acha tu nikuulize, I want it to come from you you...”

I was puzzled, I’ve always thought I was an open book really. If whether I liked him or not was what he wanted to know, It was written all over my face every time he showed up!

Ok, shoot! What is it?

"You do know the kind of relationship Nick and your friend Ramsey have right?

“Ummmm, well kinda….the situationship kind right? I noticed it before when they kept sneaking off to the bathroom. I actually thought Nick had a girlfriend though, lakini I have learnt thus far, kutoingililia mambo ya watu…give me the juice, what’s their deal?”

“Aiii Dee, for real for real hujui kitu??….You know Nick has been avoiding her right?…We actually left early that first day we met coz he couldn’t stand her. Them going to the bathroom was a completely different thing from what you thought.”

“What do you mean?…mimi sikuelewi”

“Acha izo Dee, you don’t get it at all at all???….I really want to believe you but it is pretty hard to, you couldn’t have been that clueless”

“I swear mimi I am in the dark, just spill it boy!”

“Didn’t you ever wonder why when we came I was nagging you at first. You were ati sijui finishing up something on your comp na mimi I didn’t get it. I was like sasa uyu dem, she knows exactly why we are here, why is she playing hard to get? This was posed to be a transactional sort of thing, mbona kinajifanya tena!”

Weuh, confusement reloaded! He gave me a minute for his words, rather, their implication to sink in.

“A transaction???!!!” 

He couldn’t tell whether the question was directed at him or I was asking myself. Then the events of that fateful day started replaying in my head. They came in like they owned the place, he expected a hug even though that was the first time we were meeting and I pulled away like yoh, hatujuani ivo bado bro. He kept insisting it, trying to pull me close and being all touchy touchy. He looked really annoyed that for the first kitu 20 minutes my eyes were glued to my computer, even said that I was killing the vibe, I remembered thinking, Ewwwww, I don’t really like this dude but I gave him some grace, figured it was because they were already lit. He noticed my discomfort and that he was putting me off akaanza kunyenyekea, asking me about what I was doing na hapo ndo sherehe sasa ikaanza. 

I think the revelation showed on my face, then he went on….”I was being pushy with you in the beginning because we had paid for it. My bro told me he was going to meet up with some whores, ati they only wanted a drink, a meal, na pesa kidogo each. I was reluctant to come but he worn me over with the two magic words, 'usijali, ntakulipia'.”

I felt sick all over. Yani nguvu ilinitoka mamma.... A whore?? Mee??? How????

I’ve been called a lot of things bwana but never once a whore, atleast not to my face. And I had done a lot of things but never once had I ever had sex in exchange for money, never ever!!!

“Unanidanganya…she…she….Ramsey told me they were old buddies, y’all just wanted to hang out…”The words came out in staccato, tehy felt beaten. 

“I swear it Dee, mbele ya Mungu that’s the truth…mimi I came knowing that I was coming to get some. Nick alimtumia iyo pesa, I witnessed it. They were fighting in the bathroom because of it actually, she wanted more, more than she had initially asked for and Nick wasn’t willing to give it.”

Nilijishikilia on the railings, for a bit, my legs felt a little too wobbly. I took one long deep breath then finally asked, “How much am I worth? How much did she ask for?”

“Uko sure unataka kujua? It isn’t pretty Dee….”

“Well, you’re holding the gun, you might as well pull the trigger”

“1000 bob!” 

And my legs gave in. He had to hold me up nisianguke.

Eeeh, watunguyaz, (I have never used that word ever in my entire life) your girl is worth 3litres of cooking oil pekee!!! Ati mzinga moja ya chroma, only!!!….ata haibaki ya chaser!!! You do get the magnitude of my feelings at this point right? Yani msichana I had been hosting??! Someone I considered a friend!!!! Waaah, ama kweli, dunia ina mambo!!! 

Did I get even a cent from the 2k she collected? Yeap, you guessed it, hell no!!! 

I later confronted her, she denied it of course, but that was the beginning of the end really. To date that guy I kinda liked prolly still thinks we were playing them, he never quite believed in my innocence, I MEAN, THAT WAS MY HOUSES WASN'T IT? SOMETHING ABOUT BIRDS OF A FEATHER AND ALL....Everything prior started to add up. The words ‘our’ mubabas had said, the warnings my neighbour friends had given….What if I had zimad? What could have happened then???? All the times I had gone out with her, had I been really safe??? Why the hell had I not seen the reflags from the get go???? Why was I so blind????

So, what happened to the Mubabas? Well...we still kept in touch, for a while after that. Everytime he was around my area he’d hit me up or just pass by to grab uji power from my kiosk on his way home. We’d go on a drive or a coffee date from time to time. He still hopes he’ll get his way with me eventually, he still asks every time we meet up but the money kept going up and up. We found a good rhythm really, him having been in marketing in his hay days. He’d tell me about how the Papa Shirandula Mburrrrcha ad came to be, about how Cocacola has managed to dominate the soft drinks industry for decades and decades. About the downfall of companies I didn’t even know existed and on and on and on…

"But Dee, don’t you feel bad for his wife though? I mean he might not be cheating physically with you but he kinda is emotionally?" I know that's where your thoughts are dearest reader. 

Honestly, nope, I don’t give a damn, not one bit. I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me and something tells me after our one hour drive, and he gets home, he works on her proper proper, I mean, I give him tips, I challenge him, I ask the hard questions, I actually make him miss their good old days, he remembers it, he lives vicariously through my young energy and I bet that shows in his bedroom. Me thinks she owes me a thank you. At the end of the day, we all get what we need, and a cheers to that💋!

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